


Giving Up...

by Marauders_simply_the_best



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friendship, Gryffindor, Heavy Angst, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Fourth Year, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Shrieking Shack, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, The Great Lake | The Black Lake (Harry Potter), Triggers, Werewolf Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:54:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26877013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marauders_simply_the_best/pseuds/Marauders_simply_the_best
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE ATTEMPT!Remus wanted to give up. The wolf was slowly killing him and he just wanted to let go. An out was what he wanted, rather, needed.
Kudos: 17





	Giving Up...

As dawn arrived, signalling the setting of the once full moon, Remus laid on the chilly ground of the shack with multiple deep gashes in his chest. He was bleeding profusely and in pain so much that he couldn't even move a single muscle. The cold winds of the early December night didn't help him relax, chilling him to his bones. He just closed his eyes and waited for Madam Pomfrey to arrive.

It had been the worst full moon of his life. The wolf had not let up, throwing itself against the walls, the bed, the cupboard, the doors. It wanted to leave the shack but he was locked in by spells which it couldn't break. The wolf, in aggression, had tried to tear off his skin and slashed almost every organ he could reach.

On top of that, the Wolf could smell some students, who must have sneaked out late in the night. In an hunger to reach them, it had banged on the door and howled into the night. The anger of not getting out only added to it's agression.

So he bled. He bled and bled until finally Madam Pomfrey arrived, letting out a gasp of shock after seeing him. Because, she hadn't seen him this torn up, in the four years he had been there. Kneeling down against him, she saw that he had passed out.

She knew how much Remus hated being a werewolf but she had no cure for his condition. She gently wiped the tear tracks on his face and whispered, "I'm so sorry, Remus. You don't deserve this. Poor boy, you need to stay positive and hope someday there's a cure to this disease." She quickly did a few spells to try to stop the bleeding enough to carry him into the castle and covered him up in his robes.

~~~~~

Remus woke up few hours later in the Hospital wing, alone, bandaged up and shivering. He moved to cover himself with the sheet at the bottom of the bed but the pain was so severe that he still couldn't move. He gave up on getting the sheet and decided let it go. But the thought stuck in his mind.

Letting it go. 'May be I should just give up and let go' he thought to himself. This wasn't the first time he had thought about it, letting go. In fact, he often thought about it.  
But, something was different today. He started to actually consider it. 'I have no one worth living for. Mom loves me but it decreases day by day. Dad gave up on me a long time ago. And my friends are strong. They can handle themselves' he thought.

Suicide. He had never been able to say the word even to himself. But, the more he thought about it, he realised that the word wasn't bad. It was actually quite soothing because if one accepted death, nothing else mattered anymore.

~~~~~

Days went on, and the thought still lingered in his mind. Only, it was festering. He realised that it would be easy, all he had to do was jump in the lake and the cold December water would do it's work. He didn't learn swimming when he was younger, and now, he realised hysterically, that he wouldn't have to. 

Nobody noticed the changes in his behaviour. Everybody was too busy with their own stuff. James was busy pining after Lily. Sirius was busy dreading going home during Christmas break. And Peter was busy with his homework assignments that were piling up. 

'Nobody would miss me here. All of them have their own stuff to worry about. They would get over me quickly and they can easily replaced me with someone. Maybe, Frank. He's fun to be around, and he's smart too. He'll be a great help with the pranks.'

He decided that he would end his life on 14th December. It would be the 10th anniversary of his getting bit by Fenrir. 'On that day, 10 years ago, it felt like his life was going to end and this year it actually will.' he thought. 'It's almost poetic.'  
The letter that arrived on the 12th almost sealed the deal. Because in the letter his mother wrote, "Spend the Christmas in Hogwarts this year. Your father has invited a few of his colleagues for a party and he doesn't want you here." It was almost like they knew what he was planning and wanted to nudge him in the same direction.

In order to tie up loose ends, he sent his mother a letter saying he would love to spend it in Hogwarts. He ignored the pitying looks both James and Sirius sent him as he went down to the Owlery to post the letter. He said discrete good-byes to all of his friends telling them he was lucky to be a part of their lives. Not thinking much of it, they returned the sentiment and went off to bed.

~~~~~

Remus stood near the edge of the lake, hugging the scarf closer to his neck for the feeling of warmth one last time and looked in the direction of the castle. He closed his eyes and mentally thanked everyone for all they had done for him over the years. When he opened them, tears flowed down his cheeks.

He was about to take the last few steps and jump in when a voice called out, "You sure you want to do this?”  
He wiped the tears on his cheeks quickly and turned to face the boy coming out of the shadows of the tree the Marauders always sat under.

"What are you talking about, Pete?” he asked, nerves coating his voice.

"Don't bother. I know what you were planning on doing. I've known the whole week." Peter said, coming to stand besides Remus, looking over the lake.

"I wasn't doing anything." Remus answered, defensively.  
"Really? So you didn't come here to kill yourself? Is that what you're telling me?" Peter asked him raising an eyebrow in his direction.

But Remus just turned his head in the opposite direction in lieu of answering and that in itself was an answer.

"You don't have to do this, you know." Peter said. "I know it must be painful for you. But you can't give up."

But Remus snorted, "I can. I gave up all hope about living a happy life a long time ago. All I'm doing now is just giving up the painful life I never asked for in the first place."

"What about us? What about James, Sirius and me? What do you think will happen to us if you kill yourself?” Peter asked. 

"You'll be alright. You'll miss me for a while and then you'll forget all about me. You'll replace me with someone who isn't a depressed, bloodthirsty werewolf who lived in your dorm." Remus answered and sat down, still physically drained from the Full moon.

"You know, I've thought about it before too. Killing myself. But I'm too much of a coward to actually do it." Peter said, sitting besides him.

"Why would you do that, Pete? We all love you too much." Remus said shocked to hear this.

"I know my life isn't the worst one. But sometimes it seems so empty to me. My family isn't all that fond of me. I'm not exactly handsome that girls would fall in love with me. And sometimes I feel like I live in the shadow of the greatness that is James and Sirius." Peter said with a heavy sigh, as if saying that lifted a huge weight off his shoulder.

"You know, I feel that too. I feel like I hold them back from their fullest potential." Remus replied. All this information was news to him because he never knew Peter felt like that.

"But the point I was making was, I never give up because I realized that maybe there is something out there for me. A chance for me to achieve greatness on my own. That maybe someday I'll be powerful or that my worth would be far above what it is right now. So you have to wait, Remus. You have to wait because you still haven't reached your fullest potential yet." Peter said turning to hold Remus' hand tightly.

"What fullest potential! Even if I don't kill myself now, the wolf would do it for me in a matter of time! I can't take this slow torture anymore!” he exclaimed, pushing Peter's hand away. He started pacing after getting up. He felt caged in, after hearing Peter's words.

Peter didn't say anything for a minute. But he stood up and asked Remus to stop walking. When he didn't listen, he held him by the shoulders to stop him, saying "Stop Remus! Listen to me! Just for a moment! If you still feeling like jumping into the freezing lake after what I say then I'll leave you here and walk back to the dorm as if this never happened. Will you listen? Please?" Peter asked, hands still holding his shoulders, as if he was afraid he would run away and jump in the lake that very moment.

"I'll listen" he whispered in a voice so low that if Peter wasn't standing right in front of him, he would have missed it.

"Good. The reason I, we, didn't tell to this before was that we were waiting to perfect it before telling you. And this was also going to be your Christmas present. Now don't freak out." Peter said and after looking around to make sure no one was nearby, he transformed into wormtail. He ran a few laps around Remus' legs and turned back to being a human again.

Remus couldn't comprehend all that, because it looked like- No. No, that didn't happen. "Wha-What", clearing his throat, he said, "What was that! You turned into a rat!” he exclaimed.

"For a genius, you're being too dense. You've seen McGonagall turn into cat a hundred times but you're still shocked?” Peter said with a laugh.

"You turned into an Animagus? That's- why did you- that's illegal!” he exclaimed again. He couldn't understand why Peter learned to become an Animagus.

"Yes, it's illegal. And it's not just me. James and Sirius learned to do this as well. It was supposed to be a surprise. It was Sirius' idea. We knew how painful these full moons were getting for you and we wanted to help. So we searched for months about anything we could do to try and help. And Sirius read in a book that Animagi are safe from Werewolves. Because werewolves don't attack other animals, even Animagis. And us being there with you in that form, we could stop you from harming yourself. And become a packmate of your Wolf. Since then we have been training secretly. All of us mastered it last month and so we decided to tell you this as a Christmas gift. We love you, Remus. We couldn't stand to watch you get hurt month after month. We had to do something" Peter informed him.

"Why would you do that for me? Not even my own parents did that much for me. They hate what I've become and all of you did this-” Remus couldn't control his tears anymore, he fell into Peter's arms and cried into his hair since he was far shorter than him. "I don't know how to thank you for this. I'm speechless. I honestly don't have any words about how thankful I am. Thank you." He said gasping for breath with every word but meaning every word he said.

"From the next full moon, till there is a cure for your lycanthrophy, we will be there for you to make sure you're alright. So now, will you please stop this nonsensical suicide plan and come back? It's cold out here and I'm freezing." Peter said.

"Yes. I don't know what I was thinking. Thank you for saving me. I needed someone to snap me out of it, I guess." He said wiping his cheeks with the handkerchief Peter provided. 

They started walking back to the castle when Remus asked Peter, "How did you know? How did you find out that I was going to do what I almost did?" Because he was sure that he was being discrete.

"Like I said, a lot goes unnoticed about the silent fourth Marauder when he's in the shadow of James and Sirius. I've watched you since last full moon, disengaging from everything, even studying, or reading and I knew something was wrong. But what confirmed it was your expression after reading your mother's letter. You had this look on your face, like a smile but only it was followed by an absolutely, heartbreakingly, devastated look on your face. I don't know why, but right then, I just knew. That's why I've been following you everywhere the last couple of days." Peter answered.

"Ohh. I don't know what to say. Thank you though, for paying attention to me otherwise I wouldn't be here right now." Remus answered, still shocked about what he learned today. 

"And I just hope you know that we love you just as much. You're not the fourth Marauder. We are all same. And especially now. What you've done for me today, I won't ever be able to repay you for that. And just so you know, both those guys love you so much. The other day a ravenclaw sixth year was talking shit about you and both James and Sirius hexed him, didn't even undo the curse till he apologized." Remus told Peter.

Peter shocked, said, "Oh. I didn't know about that." Because he honestly thought they didn't consider him a close friend like he considered them.

By then, they had reached the portrait of the Fat Lady. Giving the password, they entered to find Sirius and James sitting near the fireplace. Both turned around to look at them as they approached. 

"Where were you? We have been worried sick! It's two a.m. and it's mid December. You guys didn't even take your coats! We were just about to go out looking for you!" James exclaimed!

"Sorry that we scared you. We just went for a walk and tried to discover new passages for the map. But no luck today." Peter answered.

Remus gave him a thankful look, for not telling everyone about what they were actually doing. Peter winked back discretely but since he didn't know how to wink properly, he just blinked both eyes quickly. 

And Remus just laughed. Thankful that he didn't go through with his mental plan. Looking around them, seeing James and Sirius wrapping them up in blankets and making them sit near the fire to warm up, he was so very thankful.

🌼

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys like it! Vote, comment and subscribe!!


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